The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
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“you recording!?”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.