Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
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Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
thank god
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”