why isn’t he texting back
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Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
People buying plungers never look happy.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
That’s what I call a flat tire
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces