Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
You Might Also Like
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
What a kind woman! 😂😂
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction