[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
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A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Finally! 😈
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
😂😂
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.