Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
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Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately