I beg your pardon?
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Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Science memes
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
i hope my email finds you on fire
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?