Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
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I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
A classic…
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.