[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
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GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
plant them where lol
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?