I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
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Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.