I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
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An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
no regrets
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*