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The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”