wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
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Breaking news:
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.