The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
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“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.