god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
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“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Simple