I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
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Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)