How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.