My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
went fishing caught a bass
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.