Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
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You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
True?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs