*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
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Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Employees must applaud the planets.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?