[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
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“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Pot warmers of the day.