I love the honesty
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I think my mom just blocked me
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
🤣dope
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I have never related to a cat more
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman