I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
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I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*