My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
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I believe the plural is “milves.”
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
ouch
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you