*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
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God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me