HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
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Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Worth a try
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
hmmm