“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
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Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
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My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Do one person every day that scares you.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.