I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
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Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.