Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
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The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
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2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.