My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
You Might Also Like
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
the red hot silly peppers
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Well well well…
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
bout dat hot dog summer