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I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…