If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
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When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words