8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
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what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed