The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.