Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
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Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.