A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
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If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
The photographer’s assistant
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that