If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
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“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol