Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
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If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.