*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
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I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
The old gods are rising again.
Its true…
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.