I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
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🤣dope
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets