A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
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Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter