[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
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cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
“no gods no masters” = leo
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.