Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
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Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Was it something I said?
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
(Gaming support cat.)
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two