*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
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Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.