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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
For anyone who needs this today
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*