When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
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My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.