Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
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The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Scream sneezers need love too.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.