Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
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Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”