We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
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GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Mornin
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes