“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
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Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
respect
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.